Unloved uncared Unseen

you think i don't know. but i freaking know everything. i don't believe the last few hugs, the sudden change of attitude towards me was just to make sure i believe in you. You just needed me to listen and follow your instructions so tat he will cool down as well. I was never good enough. what made me succumb wasn't your words and your hug and touch. what made me finally give in WITHOUT a choice was the fact that you could go to that extent just to help him cool down. No one. Willi ever do that for no one besides you because you are my mother. You asked if he said sorry to me, will i be ok with it. i don't need that. coz i know if you have to do that, you'd have to put the blame on yourself again. i don't want that to happen to you because of me BECAUSE YOU ARE MY MOTHER. i don't want you to lay down towards him just for me. But the fact that you did it for him. i have no choice. yes i may be crude and rude and all that. i know. i guess in the end, everything is my fault again. i accept it. if that can win you back, i'd lay down my life for you. but its not happening. no one likes to be rude and i don't like to be rude. but if you continue stepping on me, you can't expect a good reply from me either. You claimed you are fair. how wrong you are. you said i couldn't see, i never understood. but in actual fact, i do. i see your every action. every little thing you do. you'd think i don't understand. but i see through it all the time. i was right.
the way he shed his tears, the way you looked at him with deep worry. you never had that on your face no matter how unhappy i am. Thats the look i'll probably never get in my lifetime. you believe his words, i don't blame you coz he's your son. i will never blame you. eventhough i do complain, at the end of the day, i always understand. But guess you never understood my tears. but yeah, has anyone really understood me?
you believe he is misunderstood. i don't blame you, maybe he really is, i don't know. The fact that you don't understand me as much, it just hurts. It hurts so much that the only things you ever see are my flaws. its sucks even more when you are able to see his beauty. when you can't see mine. know how much that hurts?
its so obvious. everything. You care so much about him.
i don't mind him hitting me anymore, since he said it was because i was rude to you these days. it was a pretty sure-win excuse i suppose. i'm not sorry about scratching him til he bled either, since i told him to freakin lay off. when i say lay off, i mean it.

i guess, its all my fault, maybe if i didn't noticed that biasness of affection, maybe i didn't care, maybe i was thinking too much.... then i wouldn't be this hurt. Do you know how many times i have cried at night, after school while walking home, in the toilet.. etc just because of this? he's always the angel, and i'm always the goddamned devil.